


The Fucking Mailman

by oneshycrow



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Community: falloutkinkmeme, Crack, Gen, Gen Work, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 09:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9601523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneshycrow/pseuds/oneshycrow
Summary: Awaiting news from Nipton, an NCR Ranger meets a very, very strange courier.





	

The NCR Ranger stands on the balcony overlooking Camp Golf, his hands behind his back and a stoic look on his face… under his helmet. He’d been awaiting news on the situation at Nipton. The last he’d known, Legion forces were spotted in the area - which was never a good sign. He’d managed to radio in to troops in the surrounding area, but couldn’t get a good enough signal to understand anything but, “the Courier is on his way.” 

Well, that was something to look forward to at least, even if the news was bad. He’d heard of the Courier’s travels on the radio and by word of mouth. He’d wiped out whole camps of Legion, Khans, and every other named raider gang in the Mojave. He’d stepped foot in Mr. House’s so-called impenetrable casino and left a trail of wonderment in his wake. Meeting him was sure to be an experience.

“Sir,” a voice comes from behind the ranger and he turns around from his silent vigil to see a trooper peeking her head out from behind the door. “The Courier is here to see you.”

The Ranger walks down the stairs to meet the Courier and is shocked - to say the least - when he sees a very young man dressed entirely in a… is that a fully intact prewar mailman’s uniform? He’s fumbling through a knapsack filled to the brim with papers and holotapes, his brow furrowing in confusion. 

“I was sure it was five from the bottom, six from the left…” he mumbles.

The Ranger announces his presence with an awkward cough and the young man… the Courier, almost jumps out of his socks before giving a sheepish grin to everyone who just happened to be crowding around in the hopes of seeing a walking legend.

“You’re… the Courier?” The Ranger asks, thankful for his helmet to hide his incredulous expression. He doesn’t want to be rude. “I’ve heard of your travels. I have to say I’m impressed.”

“Yes indeedy!” The boy almost shouts, saluting violently. “And wow, that’s so flattering! I never knew people appreciated what I do! The Mojave sure is swell.” Seriously, he’d never known people appreciated him? Did he not listen to… anything?

“And you have news of Nipton?” The Ranger continues. This is the Courier? What in the hell…

“OH yes! I forgot.” The Courier says, closing his knapsack and clearing his throat. “There wasn’t a note or a holotape. Just a voice message which will repeat after the BEEEEEP.” And the Courier… he literally fucking beeps. 

A few of the troopers around need to walk away to hide their laughter. This boy walked away with two bullets to the brain? Well, actually, when put that way it kinda made sense.

“Everyone died. Legion killed the whole town. Wow, I guess that’s actually pretty sad.” The Courier says, as if just now realizing what it means. The Ranger sighs. He’d been expecting as much, and later on he’d pack his gear and head over to McCarren to spread the news. No one in that shoddy town would be missed, but news was news. The more pressing matter at the moment was this enigma in front of him.

“Well, it was to be expected.” He begins, looking down at the Courier’s shining, youth-filled, idiotic, puppy dog eyes. “Did you see the Legion there yourself?”

The Courier nodded. “Had to pass through there on my way here, sir. I-15 is a little quicksandy.” He just says these things like they’re normal, but the ranger laughs anyway and pats the boy on the back. He is still the Courier.

“Good. I assume you took care of that vermin then!” He says, remembering this when he writes his report. Good thing he went and took care of that problem for them. The ranger hated cleaning up those messes.

“Uh, hell nope!” The Courier exclaims, his eyes wide. “Why in the heck would I do that? Death sentence is what it’d be. All I got to fend off the critters are my trusty knuckles.”

The ranger is dumbfounded. “What? You’ve done it before. Literally yesterday Mr. New Vegas said you wiped out Cottonwood Cove. Not to mention everything they say you’ve done for Mr. House.” The Courier just stares blankly at him then, finally FINALLY letting down his salute.

“I never did any of that.” He says, looking around awkwardly. The ranger just stares, finally noticing that this boy has no scar on his head, nor pip boy on his arm. He’d been too shocked by his strange attire to notice before.

“You’re not the Courier.” He says simply, feeling utterly stupid. The Courier… a courier… the courier looks at him and flat out bursts into laughter, buckling over and wiping tears from his eyes.

“I’m not THE Courier! I’m the courier!” He says, laughter still present. The ranger grunts and turns to begin walking up the stairs and back to his post, not wanting to waste anymore time with this… this poser freak.

“I’m the fucking mailman!” The boy calls up to him, laughing so hysterically that he has to be dragged out by the troopers who’d seen enough.

The ranger walked back out to the balcony and shut the door behind him, leaning against the railing - almost contemplating suicide for a brief moment.

He was the fucking mailman.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a fill on the New Fallout Kink Meme: http://newfalloutkink.livejournal.com/1149.html?thread=258173#t258173
> 
> Kudos to you if you know the quicksandy joke.


End file.
